Chris tries his hand at Stand-up Comedy

[triplev123]

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

My horse's driver was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

Thankyou, good night, you've been a wonderful audience.

[David Summers]

Here's a few more he could add to his act. Kids got them from school, they think they are funny:

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."
A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts."
The gorilla replies "At these prices, you won't get many more, either!"


A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again.
He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."


A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No," was the reply.
A few minutes later, the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly.
"That's not my dog".


A man was stopped by the police for going the wrong way down a one-way street. The cop says "Didn't you see the arrows"? The man says "Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians"!

[triplev123]

I've got a great one about a bloke with a Monkey on his shoulder that goes into a bar...but what the Monkey ultimately does with a Maraschino Cherry is not for public consumption.

[David Summers]

In charge of the kids at the moment and going crazy so thought I'd post these ! If you are bored and have nothing better to do , here a a few of my favourite quick clean jokes from the legendary Tommy Cooper:

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'.
So I took up a collection.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

[David Summers]

My kids are looking over my shoulder while I was posting here , so mine are mild but several quite funny , I think anyway.

[triplev123]

Tommy Cooper...now you're talking.
An all-time great.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHYna...eature=related
I reckon he looks a lot like Darryl New.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yNzk...eature=related

[triplev123]

I think this is one of Tommy's best.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dL7-2...eature=related

[triplev123]

I've been waiting for Admin. to rocket this thread to the 'Off Topic' section. He's getting more and more like JC, slow off the mark in his old age.

[David Summers]

I didn't even know there was an off-topic section! Anyway , I've enjoyed myself here today. Nice distraction from all the other serious stuff going on.

[triplev123]

Some re-worked Henny Youngman jokes and a couple of classic Tommy Cooper routines from Youtube will always do the trick.